He loves me not
by Calleigh's little girl
Summary: What an unanswered question,hidden feelings,a tough case and alcohol can lead to...Spoilers for season 1.Chapter 4 is finally up!Please R&R!ElleHotch
1. Questions, thoughts and denied feelings

**Discs.: I don't own the show or its characters!**

**A/N:So I started with writing another fanfic last night. It takes place directly after the end of "A real rain" - there will be spoilers for at least all eppys of S1 up to that episode!**

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He loves you not**

_1.Questions, thoughts and denied feelings_

After Hotch had come out of the building, Elle looked at him - sad but also worried. she saw the pain in his eyes and instantly knew that he was feeling guilty for shooting the UnSub. A moment later she went to him and just stated :

"You had no choice..."

He looked at her, interrupted in his train of thought, their eyes met and for a short moment Elle was able to see what was going on in Hotch's mind.

"That doesn't make it any easier."

Elle smiled sadly at him and replied softly :

"Well, you know, when you stop feeling like this after shooting someone - even if it is a criminal - it gets time to quit..."

"You sound like Gideon..." He smirked at her.

"I remember my dad saying this to a childhood friend, who had shot a suspect during a raid...He told him that when you lose your empathy for others, you aren't better than the criminals you chase."

For a moment they were both silent, just looking at each other, they locked eyes and were instantly lost in the moment, then the others joined them - and the spell was broken. Not much later they got ready for flying home to DC - knowing that a pile of paperwork was already waiting for each of them.

_A while later :_

Elle was watching Hotch, still kinda worried, but her mind went back to something else she couldn't stop thinking about - that evening at the Chinese restaurant.

She once again started thinking about Hotch's reaction when she had pointed out they were always only talking about work-related stuff.

"So, Elle, are you seeing anyone?" She still heard Hotch's question in her mind and kept wondering about the meaning of this statement. Elle was of course aware of the fact that it wasn't a really serious meant question, but still she couldn't stop thinking about it. There had been something in his eyes that she couldn't get out of her head...

A moment later she was interrupted in her thoughts when Morgan suggested to play cards.

While Reid and Gideon were playing chess and the other three agents of his team were playing cards, Hotch was sitting alone in one of the corners of the plane, lost in his thoughts. But from time to time he looked up and watched Elle. when she started laughing about some joke Morgan told them he smiled softly and was once again lost in his partly dark thoughts.

_Tbc

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_**A/N: I already started writing chapter 2, hope you liked it - please take the time to review!**


	2. What a few drinks can lead to

**Discs.: I don't own the show nor the characters!**

**A/N: So here is chapter 2...**

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He loves you not**

_2. What a few drinks can lead to_

After they had all finished their paperwork they agreed to go to a bar for some drinks. Once again their conversations were all about work-related stuff, but this time Elle didn't commented on it.

Then after a few hours only Elle and Hotch were left at the bar. They talked about the case - once again and after a little while Elle offered him :

"You know, in case you ever need someone to talk with about what-so-ever - I'm there..."

He looked at her an unreadable expression on his face.

"Thanks, but shouldn't it be the other way 'round?!"

He smirked at her.

Another half hour passed until they decided to leave.

Realizing how late it was and that it would be hard for her to get a cab he offered her a ride, which she gratefully accepted.

While on the way to her apartment they were both silent, when they arrived they looked at each other for a moment.

Elle wondered what he was thinking about, when she saw the expression in his eyes she asked quietly :

"You wanna come in?"

After another short moment he smiled softly at her and they got out of the car.

_Fifteen minutes later :_

Elle and Hotch were sitting in her living-room, talking about all and nothing. After a while Hotch noticed that Elle seemed on edge.

"You're okay?"

He looked worried at her.

"Yeah, it's just that my whole body hurts..."

"Turn around."

Elle looked at him surprised and questioning.

"Turn around..."

Hotch repeated, smiled at her and gestured her to turn her back to him.

A short time later Elle gave in and did what she had been told and Hotch started massaging her shoulders. They continued their conversation and Hotch noticed how Elle was getting more and more relaxed.

"Why are you so tense?"

"Tough job, I'm barely sleeping - and I've fallen for someone who is totally off of limits..."

"Well, I know how that feels."

"You do?"

Elle turned her head to him - surprised by his statement.

"Yeah..."

He softly brushed her hair over her right shoulder, then he bent down and kissed tenderly her neck. He expected her to shy away, to turn around and slap him or to yell at him, but instead she only leaned back and he rested after a moment his chin on her head.

"You're so beautiful, Elle..."

Elle sat slowly up and turned toward him. She looked him straight into the eyes.

"Don't say something you don't mean..."

He gave her a serious glance.

"I meant every word I said in the last few minutes, Elle..."

Hotch let his fingers slide through her smooth hair.

"You are married...You love her, you have a little son..."

"Elle, you don't need to tell me that...I know that I shouldn't be here right now and I certainly shouldn't have said what I did, but..."

Before he was able to went on his cell-phone started ringing. He answered the call and Elle realized that it had to be Haley, considering his facial expression.

After he hung up, Hotch looked at her and said quietly :

"I have to go...Sorry, Elle..."

"Why are you sorry?"

Elle looked confused at him.

"For...I don't know...For everything."

He gave her soft kiss onto her forehead, then he got up and before he left he looked once again at her - his eyes filled with pain and sadness.

After she heard the front-door closing Elle's eyes welled up with tears and she let out a heavy sigh.

_Tbc_

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**A/N: Hope you liked it, please take the time to review!**


	3. Confusion

**Discs.: I don't own CM nor its characters!**

**A/N: Here is finally the update for this fic. I changed the ending like three or four times... It was partly beta read by my friend Shannon who I wanna thank for all her help!**

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He loves you not

_3. Confusion_

The next day they had another tough case. Two cops had been killed in DC.

Hotch, Morgan and Elle had spent the last two hours at the place of the cop who seemed to have been involved with his female partner.

"Well, think about it, they have a dangerous job and need to know that they can trust each other. Their life depends on the knowledge that the other one has their back."

"Morgan is right, I mean, in a line of work like this it is a natural thing that the bond between colleagues is closer and stronger than if you have a less dangerous job. There have been weirder things..."

"Yeah maybe, but that doesn't mean that it is alright - it makes you vulnerable on the job."

"So what is your point? That people who work for law-enforcement shouldn't socialize with colleagues?"

Elle didn't even look at Hotch.

"No. I'm only saying that it can cause trouble at work when you overstep specific lines. And with that this discussion is over. We have more important stuff to do."

Morgan felt a little bit uncomfortable because of the tension between two of his colleagues, so he decided to keep quiet.

_Later that day :_

Hotch and Elle were on their way to talk with a potential witness. After a while Hotch broke the silence :

"What's wrong, Elle?"

"You know exactly what is wrong!"

Hotch looked at Elle, but she just kept staring out of the window. They stopped at a red light and Hotch ordered :

"Look at me, Elle...Why are you so mad?"

Elle turned her head toward him.

"Because you are a damn hypocrite!"

"Excuse me?"

Hotch looked once again at her, before he had to concentrate on the street again when the stoplight turned green. She raised her eyebrows.

"Come on, your whole spiel about how wrong it is to get involved with a colleague..."

"I know what your point is. But I meant what I said - last night as well as today."

Elle just shook her head. The rest of the ride passed in silence. Hotch kept wondering about what he should do to solve his problem.

_Back at the office :_

Elle was still mad at Hotch - everybody was aware of it, but no-one knew the real reason.

After they had finished the briefing Hotch approached Elle.

"You got a moment?"

She rolled her eyes but followed him to his office anyway.

"What do you want?"

Hotch closed the door.

"We need to find a solution for this - it affects our work..."

He looked at her with a sad expression on his face.

"There's nothing we need to solve, is there?"

She glared stubbornly at him. Before he was able to answer Elle turned and went to the bullpen.

Hotch closed his eyes and let out a heavy sigh. He kept wondering how long it was going to take until he and Elle would be able to talk with each other the way they used to before last night.

_Later that day :_

After they had closed the case Hotch went straight to his office, focusing his complete attention on his paperwork. He needed to keep himself from thinking too deeply about his feelings for Elle.

After a short moment he was interrupted in his train of thought by a knock against his door.

"Yeah?"

The door opened and Gideon entered the room. He closed the door and approached Hotch.

"What's up Gideon?"

Hotch looked up from his report.

"I'm just wondering about what is bothering you lately."

Hotch sighed, then he looked at his friend and stated :

"It's nothing - except all of the work..."

"Oh, come on...May I remind you of the fact that I'm a trained profiler? It's obvious that something is wrong with you - and it involves Elle...So what is it?!"

Gideon gave Hotch a questioning glance.

"First of all - stop profiling me! And second - there's _nothing _wrong with me!"

"Do you really think I believe this crap? The whole team is aware of the tension between you and Elle!"

"My private-life is none of your business..." Hotch got up from his seat.

"It IS my business - if your private problems affect the work...So what is the problem between you and Elle?"

"Listen Gideon, why don't you ask her that?"

"I'm asking you because I think that you evoked the conflict...If I had to guess, I'd say, judging by your odd behavior since she works with the BAU - especially since that incident in Texas - that it is about you having feelings for her, am I right?"

Hotch just stared at Gideon.

"I nailed it, huh? You love her..."

"Are you kidding?"

Hotch glared at his friend.

"I'm not stupid - nor am I blind. And she feels the same - which makes it that much more difficult. So what are you going to do about it? Because you need to do something - the situation can't go on like this."

Hotch realized that it was pointless to keep trying to make Gideon stop so he surrendered and said :

"Hell, I don't know what to do...I only know that she invades my mind no matter what I do - especially after what happened in Texas...You know, that incident made me aware of quite a few things. The fact that I could have lost her that day - and especially the feelings and thoughts this realization evoked..."

Hotch trailed off shaking his head and sighed. He was feeling unbelievably bad because of his feelings for Elle - but there wasn't a single thing he could do about it.

"What's with Haley?"

Hotch looked up - the inner battle he was fighting clearly written on his face.

"I love her - but...It's difficult...My working-hours, the job itself..."

"Does she know?"

"No. Of course not...And by the way there's nothing she needs to know. Why should I make things even more complicated? I can handle this..."

A stubborn expression appeared on his face - he was capable of handling this situation by himself, he was going to find a solution - right? He tried to reassure himself of that - he just _had to _be able to handle all of it!

_Tbc_

**A/N: Hope you liked it! Please take the time to REVIEW!**


	4. Confrontations

**_Discs.: I don't own the show nor the characters!_**

**_A/N: Okay, this took quite a while and I have to give all the credit to my friend Sasha who mainly wrote this on her own...Have fun reading!_**

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**He loves me not**

_4. Confrontations_

As Elle sat down on her couch she started thinking about Hotch - like so many times before. In fact she was thinking about him all the time, no matter what she was doing...But until the last night she'd never even dared to imagine - not even for a second - that these feelings could be mutual...

Sure she tried to convince herself that what had happened meant nothing but nonetheless she kept dreaming. However, it wasn't easy at all - especially considering how Hotch had behaved around her earlier that day.

She hated feeling like this, hated feeling so incredible insecure, so confused and helpless...Elle felt how her tears were threatening to break free and she just hadn't the energy to do anything against it.

But only a few minutes later she was interrupted in her thoughts by the ringing of the door-bell. Reluctantly she got up, wiping her tears away while walking to the door. As she opened the door she stated annoyed :

"What do you want?"

"Did you get my message?" He asked instead of replying.

"Yeah, of course, Hotch...You didn't answer my question..." Elle glared at him for a moment before repeating,

"What do you want?"

"I wanna talk with you..." Hotch trailed of, looking away for few seconds then he asked,

"Can I come in?"

It took Elle quite a while to think about whether she should do what he had asked for. But eventually she let her shoulders hang, surrendering silently, and stepped aside to let him in.

The truth was she just needed him close, she was yearning so damn badly for his proximity, though she would of course deny it if someone - especially if Hotch - ever asked her about it.

Hotch took a look around as he entered the living-room. Then he took a closer look at Elle. He noticed right away her red, puffy eyes and felt immediately terrible.

"You said you wanna talk...Well, why don't ya go ahead and speak your mind?" Elle said, while taking a seat on the couch again, a moment later Hotch followed.

"Listen Elle...I'm sorry for what I said, ok?" He tried to lock eyes with her, but she refused to even look at him, so he went on,

"I know I hurt you pretty much..."

"Let me clarify something - you **didn't **hurt me, you got that?!" Elle interrupted.

"Then why did you cry?" Hotch asked, while looking straight into her eyes - his sad facial expression giving away in what a deep turmoil he was - and stretching out his left hand to wipe away the final remainings of her tears. But Elle pushed his hand away, stating angrily :

"Don't do that **ever **again!" She glared at him once more,

"You have nothing to do with why I cried, okay? I'm not hurt - I'm simply damn disappointed..." Elle yelled.

"Why?"

"I used to think you have certain principles you won't break - I thought you respect me, but apparently I was mistaken...**That's **why I'm disappointed!"

"Listen Elle, I thought I made pretty clear how I feel about you last night...You're right - there are lines I don't wanna overstep, but it's damn hard to stick to my principles while having you around all the time..." Hotch paused though he knew that there was no turning back anymore so he went on,

"I mean, kissing you last night was a mistake, but I just couldn't help it..."

"Unfortunately I'm not feeling the same...And even if I did, I won't consider getting involved with you. After all, you're my supervisor, not to mention that you have a family!" Elle gave him a look which made clear that she meant what she had said pretty serious.

A moment passed before Elle added :

"You should go...You're wife and son are already waiting for you..."

_Five minutes later :_

After Hotch had left Elle he let out a sigh. Of course he knew that Elle was right, they could never be together...Not that he would consider giving it a try in the first place. He just couldn't risk losing his family and job, and Elle was meaning way too much to him as that he could handle it if it doesn't work between them.

Hotch sighed again, it was pointless to keep thinking about it...

Elle had been very clear about her opinion.

God, he was regretting it so much that he had kissed her in the first place - now he he couldn't hide his true feelings for her anymore, couldn't pretend that she was just a colleague like any other member of his team anymore.

He knew that nothing was going to be the same anymore - and that fact scared him almost as much as his feelings for Elle...

_At Hotch's place :_

As Hotch entered his house he tried to be quiet so he won't wake Haley or Jack. On the other hand he wished his wife was awake, because he knew that she could distract him from his problems...

In the end he decided to go to see his son first before he got some sleep.

While he was watching Jack sleep Hotch started wondering once more about what he had gotten himself into. It was so damn complicated... After all, he loved Haley, had done so ever since he had first seen her on the stage of the school auditorium back in high school.

But he also felt more and more drawn to Elle. There were even moments when he wished he had never met her...

A moment later he was interrupted in his thoughts as he heard Haley's voice from behind.

"You're finally home..."

He turned around and they shared a smile. Haley walked up to him and he put his left arm around her waist, giving her a soft kiss onto her right temple.

"I hope I didn't wake you up." Hotch said, looking at his wife.

"No, you didn't...I woke up because I was thirsty so I wanted to go downstairs to get some water..." She looked him straight into the eyes and added,

"You should get some sleep..."

Hotch only nodded trying to get Elle out of his head.

_Tbc_

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**_A/N: Hope u liked it! Please take the time to review!_**


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